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Grief and Loss
Grief is something that all of us experience. It is one of the most difficult, unique, and growth-inspiring times in our life.
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Loss hurts. Whether it is the loss of a loved one to death, an end to a relationship, the loss of a previous held ability, a change in our jobs or financial security, or just grieving for the past in so many different ways... we are often poorly equipped to navigate the experience of grief and sent many confusing messages by professionals and friends alike. One of the most damaging things we have been told is that there are stages or steps to grieving, and people usually cite Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's groundbreaking work on identifying the stages of dying as being some kind of formal process that we must go through when we experience loss. While feeling depressed, angry, non-accepting of a loss are frequent experiences of someone who is grieving, so are apathy, confusion, detachment, happiness, relief, and so many other experiences that don't fit nicely into a 5 step model for grief recovery. Thankfully, Dr. Kubler-Ross clarified this towards the end of her own life:
We are almost always grieving something!
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Since everyone and everything is constantly changing, whether we like it or not, we are often experiencing loss for something that is no longer present in our lives. However, many of us have been socialized to either ignore, disregard, or avoid grief at all costs. The traditional response to losing a loved one is that of sympathy ("I'm sorry for your loss"), even though most people do not feel relief or understood by that sentiment. Regardless, we are creatures of habit and find ourselves particularly stuck in how to respond to others and ourselves when loss is present and in the forefront of our experience. While we are not always aware of when we are actually grieving the loss of someone or something in our lives, when that awareness hits us, it typically feels like something that shouldn't be there. It is incredibly common for grief to hit us in unexpected times, and in unexpected situations. In addition, our go-to reaction of avoiding those feelings likely lead to us experiencing our grief reactions in areas of our lives that have no connection to the actual loss (e.g., new relationships, our ability to experience joy in new situations, work performance, etc.). Grief is messy, and if you are looking for a framework of what to expect when we are grieving, this picture is pretty accurate:
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So what is Dr. Amendolace's approach to grief?
1. Accept what you are feeling. You may feel anything from shock to guilt to sorrow to anger to despair and hopelessness. Of course in some situations, you may also feel relief – for example, when someone has died peacefully after a long period of extreme suffering. Whatever these feelings are: notice them, name them, breathe into them, and make room for them.
2. Accept that at times you will be overwhelmed. In the early stages of grief, those painful feelings are often like a tidal wave; they rise up and bowl you over and carry you away. Often this will happen before you are aware of it. And that’s okay. There’s a time and a place for just allowing this to happen; to let yourself be engulfed by the wave. The good thing is, that wave will never actually drown you - even though it feels like it will.
3. Learn to anchor yourself. Over time, the waves start to reduce in size. They’re still big, but they’re no longer tidal waves. Sometimes they’ll knock you over. Sometimes they won’t. To anchor yourself when these waves hit, you can practice a very broad focus mindfulness exercise: notice where you are & what you’re doing; notice what you can see, hear, and touch; notice what you are feeling and see if you can name it. Maintain a broad awareness of your surroundings, your actions, and your feelings simultaneously – and this will usually keep you grounded, until the wave subsides.
4. Connect with your values. What do these feelings tell you about what is important to you? What do they reveal to you about your on heart?
5. Here’s a powerful question for anyone grieving. Suppose you could have a choice. Option one, you never have to have these painful feelings ever again - but it means you never get to love or care about anyone or anything. Option two, you get to love and care about all sorts of people and things – but when you lose what you care about, you will feel intense pain. Which option would you choose?
6. Develop self-compassion. Be kind to yourself. If someone you loved was suffering, what sort of kind, loving things would you say and do for them? Try talking to yourself and caring for yourself in this manner.
7. Be on the alert for unhelpful stories. Common ones include: The ‘My life is over’ story; he ‘I’ll never get over this’ story; the ‘I can’t bear it’ story; and the ‘It’s my fault’ story. Also watch out for the ‘Should have done this/ shouldn’t have done that’ story, which can easily grow to epic proportions. At times these stories will hook you up and reel you in; you can’t avoid that. But once you realise it, you can unhook yourself by naming the stories, thanking your mind, and letting them go.
8. Find vitality within your pain. Your grief tells you two very important things: a) you’re still alive, and b) you have a heart. Tune into your heart: connect with your values and carry on with your life, doing the things that are important. And take your grief with you, carrying it gently and carefully, as if it were a child in your arms.
9. Consider how you can grow from this experience. What might you learn about forgiveness, compassion, letting go, acceptance? How might your own experience benefit others that you care about? Do you notice your heart opening towards others? Do you notice your ability to appreciate relationships and connection on a deeper level?
10. In many situations, a grief ritual is useful. Make a time and place in which to feel your pain fully: to open up, and embrace it, and let it be. When dealing with the loss of a loved one, this might be a regular ritual that goes on for weeks or months; you can make it as simple or elaborate as you like – with candles, photos, prayers etc.
11. Remember the ancient saying, “This too shall pass.” Remind yourself of this, when the waves are pounding against you. Over time, the waves will get smaller, and the intervals between them will grow longer. (Although even years later, tidal waves can suddenly appear, taking you by surprise.)
12. Take it easy; rest up; take the pressure off. Grief consumes energy so you’ll often need to cut back on what you do, for a while. But that doesn’t mean giving up on life. Keep acting on your values – just scale down the effort so you look after yourself adequately.
13. While acknowledging what you have lost, also make sure to appreciate what you still have.
And as Kahlil Gibrahn wrote in The Prophet, “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”
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(Adapted and summarized from blog written by Russ Harris, ACT trainer, therapist, and writer)